👀 Holi wine

Namaste, lovely people!

Man U. supporters have been put in their place, Holi has come and gone, we've all come to terms with the fact that we're too old to have any fun at it anymore, and the grandpas in politics continue to bicker. This week was relatively quiet, but here are some highlights.

La Eta Hernus

Government

Arresting God in Kathmandu: Uh-oh, looks like the Supreme Court wants to register a petition to arrest the Prime Minister and CPN Chairman Pushpa Kamal Dahal! Why? Well, during an event in Kathmandu in 2020, he denied killing 17,000 people during the Maoist conflict but took responsibility for 5,000 deaths. He even said he'd take responsibility for all the good and bad things that happened during that time. But the court administration said conflict-era cases are not their jurisdiction. So, two petitioners said "oh no you don't" and filed an application against the decision. Will Dahal be arrested? (Narrator: Lmao, what do you think?)

A rose by any other name: After years of political deadlock and endless debates, Province 1 in Nepal has finally been given a name! In a stunning display of creativity, the provincial assembly has decided to name it...wait for it...Koshi. The people of Koshi are reportedly overjoyed to finally have a name to put on their address labels, and are now eagerly anticipating the arrival of their new welcome sign. We’re still waiting on a name for Pradesh number 8 though, hit us up if you have any creative suggestions.

Proud Gorkhali Moment

The Nepali army has made history by breaking the world record for playing the largest number of Nepali madals simultaneously, with 555 musicians performing together in a stunning display of cultural pride and musical excellence. The event was celebrated as a proud moment for Nepal, showcasing the country's rich cultural heritage and musical traditions to the world.

Tech

Hackermannnn: In a classic case of what sounds like "the dog ate my homework," Onlinekhabar editor has claimed that their Facebook page was hacked after a series of lewd ads appeared on their account. The most scandalous of these ads promised viewers a glimpse of Swastima Khadka's "hot footage," which naturally had some of the Nepali public buzzing. The incident has sparked a nationwide debate about internet security and the dangers of clicking on suspicious links, but it seems the only people truly profiting from this scandal are the hAcKeRs who put up the ads in the first place. (Narrator: It really hasn’t sparked any debate on internet security, don’t believe everything you read on the internet).

Chhimeki muluk India has once again topped the list for the highest number of internet shutdowns in the world, according to a report by Access Now. The country recorded 84 internet shutdowns out of the 187 that took place globally in 2022. The report cited political instability and violence in Indian-administered Kashmir as the main reason for the shutdowns in that region.

Fatafat

Stat: The 146th Shraddha ceremony in honor of Junga Bahadur, the first Rana prime minister of Nepal, was recently held. Some people are questioning why the state continues to fund these shraddhas, citing the need for better allocation of resources towards more pressing issues.

Quote: The deputy chief speaker of the government has expressed her dissatisfaction with the allowances provided by the government, claiming that they are inadequate. Specifically, she stated that her house rent allowance of 36,000 was insufficient, as she pays 44,000 for her accommodation. We say we stop funding Junga Bahadur shraddhas and use that money for the deputy speaker’s rent instead.

Read: The Kung Fu Nuns Of Kathmandu from NPR

Three news briefs and a lie

Three of these news briefs are real, and one is faker than American officials drinking tap water in contaminated cities to prove that it is safe. Can you spot the odd one out? (Scroll all the way to the bottom for the answer).

1. Two Indians have been arrested in Rupandehi for selling powerbanks that were nothing but soil-covered in plastic casing. Reports suggest that the fraudsters successfully sold dozens of such powerbanks to unsuspecting customers, who later realized they were merely carrying around bags of dirt with them.

2. In a daring feat of bravery, a group of fearless dudes from Falewas, Parbat caught a live leopard with their bare hands! Witnesses reported that the group, armed only with their courage and quick reflexes, managed to grab the ferocious feline and hand it over to the police without so much as a scratch. When asked for comment, one of the dudes simply said, "We didn't want to be the prey, so we became the hunters!"

3. The World Food Program's latest delivery of rice to Nepal for the children's midday meal program has been deemed a flop by local officials. Apparently, the rice was so bad, even the rats were turning their noses up at it. The WFP is now facing a backlash from disgruntled Nepali folks as it’s not the first time WFP has gotten in hot water over bad rice.

4. Nepali TikTok sensation Eva Giri has been scouted by none other than Yo Yo Honey Singh to be a backup dancer in his next music video. When asked about her thoughts on the matter, Eva exclaimed, "I never thought my kammar markaaune moves would get me this far!" Yo Yo Honey Singh is reportedly thrilled to have found a backup dancer who can keep up with his signature moves.

Kahi Nabhayeko Jaatra

Eta Hernus Quiz

Update

First things first, big shoutout to our reader for this awesome suggestion - you rock! After some serious deliberation, the newsletter team has decided to take action and ensure that we're properly represented in all our proud Gorkhali moments. That's right folks, we're sending Prof Pollard a chucche naksha.

ETC

1. User feedback is what gets us out of our gundris so please keep them coming! We’ve heard from several of you that you’d like links to the news bits we cover; we’ll start including them next week.

2. If you’ve enjoyed the (short) journey with us thus far, please help us spread the word about this newsletter by asking your friends, dads, maijus, neighbors, and your fupajus to sign up by forwarding them this email! If this email was forwarded to you, please consider signing up using this link! We've also got a discord server, you can join us here.
   
   (Answer to three newsbriefs and a lie: The last one is false.)